Second Round Sleepas

These guys are not as big as Shaq, studly as Nick Nolte, nor are they Blue Chippers. But these are the ballers who have the potential to rise from the heap of shit that is this year's NBA draft and become this year's Agent Zero (second round steals). Without further ado, these guys are almost as sleepy as Sleepy Flloyd:

1) AJ Price AkA The Macrook Pro: His arrival to your locker room may prompt a boost in security (damn I'm original), but it also will add an immediate boost to your squad's three point shooting, along with some real quick hands. Price is one of the more seasoned guards at the draft, at 22 years old, and he showed in the Big East and NCAA tournaments that he raises his game when it matters most against the best competition. He's a gamer, and he also has the pedigree (his father took Penn to the Final Four and was briefly in the NBA). Is there really a 35-40 player gap between Price and Ty Lawson? Jrue Holiday? The guy was the best player on one of the best teams in the nation, and showed legit NBA range. He was flat out making it rain at times this season while showing the ability to distribute the ball. The Price is right, and whoever nabs him in the second round has a quality point guard who can contribute immediately.

2) Dionte Christmas aKa Dionte Claus (sequele to Fred): Another underrated, veteran guard. See a trend here? Potential is sexy, yes. But who would you rather spend a night in a Red Roof Inn with right now: Myley Cyrus or Meghan Fox? Myley Cyrus, like the J-Rue Holidays and Brandon Jennings of the world, could transform her cutie thang and become a straight up bombshell in a couple years. Or she could start hanging out with Lindsay Lohan and find herself getting to know Tony Montana pretty well. Guys like Jennings and Holliday may very well become All Stars, or they will more likely be lured into the ludacris NBA lifestyle and start chillin with Mr. Grey Goose and that Cranberry Juice. While the young guns will light up Dutchmasters, Christmas can light up a scoreboard with the best of them. He played in the A-10 for Temple and was one of the best scorers in the country for the past three years. Just because he wasn't a big name, McDonald's All American doesn't mean he doesn't belong in the NBA. Are guys like Austin Daye and Nick Calathes really going to be better players than him? Doubtful. Talent and youth are quite alluring, but usually the subtle and solid guys do more damage.

3) Dante Cunningham AkA Dante Cunnilinguist: At a lengthy (long ass arms) 6'8", this schmohawk is big enough to defend most powerfards in the NBA, and quick enough to beat them in the post or off the dribble. Simply put, he is a much better basketball player than Hasheem Thabeet, for instance. He is an excellent rebounder, very solid passer, knows how to play the game, and puts the ball in the net more often than not. Will Cunningham make an All Star game? Probably not. But if guys like Carl Landry and Ryan Gomes can make it in the NBA, why can't Cunningham? He's played in the best conference for the past four years and always played well in the tourney. This guy is just a rock solid player who shows up to play every night. Someone will dig up some gold or some cumontheirhands with this pick.

*I also like Jodie Meeks, Patrick Mills, and Josh Heytvelt as second round quality picks*

Man, Sportscenter used to be so ill (sigh):

Early NFL Preview

Okay, so I know it's early, but I personally can't wait for the NFL season to get underway. As such, I'm going to do an early power ranking by conference. When the season gets closer and everything gets ironed out, I'll do a league-wide version. Please leave comments if you agree or disagree with anything I have to say; I'd be happy to argue these with anybody.

AFC 1-5:

1. New England Patriots: This isn't a biased choice. This team went 11-5 with a guy who hadn't started a game since high school and now have the best player in the league back. Welker and Moss have now had two full seasons to learn the offense, and their performances in their 1st years within the offense says enough. Veteran Joey Galloway adds another long-ball element that will complement Moss well. He had a down year last year (from 1,000 yards a season before) but it was on the fucking Bucs. Look for TE Alex Smith to have a breakout season. The Pats also bolstered the O'line by drafting four offensive linemen, two of whom could make an immediate impact. The signing of veteran Fred Taylor is perfect for a running back corps in need of guidance. Faulk and Morris should remain on the roster.

Rookie Brandon Tate adds a promising dimension to the special teams unit after the departure of return-man Ellis Hobbs. The D'line is still one of the best in the league and Wilfork's contract issues are less worrisome with the drafting of Ron Brace. An already strong (but aging) linebacking corps of Thomas, Bruschi, and Mayo will only get better with the acquisition of Paris Lenon, who had more tackles than Ernie Sims last year on the God-awful Lions. At least Lenon got plenty of action being on that defense last season. The secondary is the only concern for me, but the mix of Merriweather and some fresh draft prospects could be the answer along with the guidance of veteran Shawn Springs and Belichick's defensive schemes.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers: Returning Super Bowl champs have to be high on your list. Losing Larry Foote and some of the secondary will hurt only slightly; this team's defense is still terrifying. Harrison, Farrior, Timmons, and Woodley resemble the Steel Curtain of lore. They even have Donovan Woods. DONOVAN WOODS! They also have solid cornerbacks and one of the best safeties in the league in Polamalu. The offense is pretty much the same. Roethlisberger has clearly proven himself as a capable passer and the receiving corps is excellent. Ward signed a fresh contract, Holmes showed what he can do in last season's Super Bowl, and they have three promising receivers vying for the third spot. I think Sweed will win it and have a pretty solid season. Heath Miller is legit at TE. Fast Willie Parker had a down year but a healthy, nasty Rashard Meandenhall is going to significantly bolster the RB corps. They do need to address the O'line but it shouldn't be a problem. This team hasn't changed much and that's a good thing--they didn't need to. They will clearly be a contender in 2009.

3. San Diego Chargers: As much as I hate the Chargers, I have to say I think they are going to have a great season. Firstly, they play in one of the shittiest divisions in the league, especially now that (as Larry noted) McDaniels is ruining what Shanahan built. They do actually face some pretty tough opponents out of the division, though. Philip Rivers is somehow one of the best quarterbacks in the league, and they kept both Tomlinson and Sproles. The receiving corps could still use some work; Jackson and Chambers are not a legit 1-2 punch. Buster Davis could have a breakout season though after an injury last year and they still have Antonio Gates. They also boast one of the best offensive lines in the league, highlighted by Marcus McNeill and Kris Dielman. The defense is strong, too. A healthy Shawn Merriman is never good for opponents, and the selection of LB Larry English with the 16th pick will add depth to the LB unit. I like the secondary, especially with Antonio Cromartie, arguably the most athletic player in the league, still back there. Plus the D-Line retains Castillo and Williams. Watch for 4th round pick DT Vaughn Martin from Western Ontario--this guy could end up being a stud. I really think this team is legit. Don't forget their late playoff run and 11 point loss to the Super Bowl champs.

4. Tennesee Titans: I'm still not sure about this team. The Kerry Collins storyline is cool and all those people that always come out of the woodwork to root for the old guys when they do well late in their careers love it. I can't stand those people. Root for someone their whole career, will you? Anyway, this team is still a serious threat. Defensively, I think people are getting their panties in way too big of a twist about the Haynesworth loss. Yes, he's amazing and was a key piece of that D'line, but don't forget about team captain Kyle Vanden Bosch, who had 12 sacks in 2007 and managed 4.5 last year in 10 games. They also addressed the D'line in the draft. They linebacking corps is primarily unproven youngsters but that shouldn't be anything Keith Bulluck can't fix. I think their secondary is the best in the league with Hope, Finnegan, Griffin and Harper (just imagine if Pac-man had worked out). Will Donnie Nickey start another fight in training camp this year? Offensively, they're set. Johnson and White (don't ever let me refer to them as Thunder and Lightning) might be the best tandem in the league and they run behind a good line. I love watching Johnson.

They also finally addressed the receiving corps, which has always needed work, when they drafted Kenny Britt with their 1st round pick and signed Nate Washington, who I think will do far better here than in Pittsburgh. Justin Gage should have an excellent season. Bo Scaife and Alge "The Butt" Crumpler actually form a formidable TE duo, and Rob Bironas might be the best kicker in the NFL. Fischer is one of the best coaches in the league and you have to credit the organization for sticking with him, just as the Steelers stuck with Cowher all those years and were rewarded. Gotta like this team's chances and their decision to rock the old oilers uni's for a few games. Classic.

5. Indianapolis Colts: This team is probably going to drop in my final rankings, because the more I hear, the less I like their chances. They lost Dungy and a ton of his staff, which is going to make for some bumps along the road. They did, however, astutely put one of their own, former assistant coach Jim Caldwell, at the helm because he knows their complex system. But Peyton is coming off an injury and Marvin Harrison is gone, so Reggie Wayne's numbers should drop some, even though Gonzalez and Clark are both very viable passing options. Still, it's a serious loss. Addai had a down year and his injuries are cause for concern, which you have to question even more with the 1st round selection of Donald Brown. I've also never been a real believer in this team's defense and I am even less so now that Ron Meeks is gone. Yeah, Sanders is amazing but Freeney is overrated (although he did have a good season last year), their linebackers suck, and Marlin Jackson isn't what he was supposed to be. Plus, Vinatieri can't boot it like he used to. I think this team is crumbling but I still view them as an elite AFC team (although that division is all of a sudden pretty sick).

That's it for now, I'll follow up with 5-10 in a few days or so.

NBA Draft Right Na Na Na

The NBA Draft (not quite as exciting as Dave Chapelle's racial draft) takes place this Thursday at Madison Square Garden. Every team hopes they will nab the next NBA superstar or snag the steal of the draft. Every team hopes they can avoid The Bust. Every Knicks fan knows that the player we take is either going to shoot himself in the leg or contract AIDs from a hooker within the next year. In what is being labeled as possibly the worst draft of all time, teams should follow one simple rule: take the best player available. Do not worry about how high someone's vertical is, how many illegitimate children they have, or what form they use on their jump shot. Go with your gut, and pick who your franchise feels is the best player available (like NFL teams almost always do). Do not pick someone just because they fit a positional need (see: Michael Olowakandi, Marvin Williams, etc.). In today's NBA, you want the most athletic and versatile player--not necessarily the biggest or strongest. You want someone who can create mismatches and can change the game. I read via my ESPN Insider an article about how Isiaah Thomas is, by the numbers, one of the best drafters ever. I'm not on Zeke's level, but I was so keen as to know that Oden over Durant was not the move. So without further ado, here are three guys that (all projected to go in the top 10), I sure as hell would not draft, pray the Knicks don't end up with, and have more bust potential than Asia Carrera:

1) Hasheem Thabeet: AkA Hasheem Tha-Weak-Sauce. Is he as good (or as big) as Emeka Okafor was in college? No. Does he have any post moves? No. Will he be able to block shots against Dwight Howard (note: not Luke Harangody)? No. He also has the same body type as the guy from the Air Up There. Will he be able to stay out of foul trouble? No. Does he have an eating disorder? Debatable. The guy is a skinny little biatch who blocks shots against undersized white dudes. Think he's going to be able to stop nasty mofos like Ron Artest? NAA. Look at all the trouble Greg Oden has had making the adjustment to the league, playing against guys close to his size and a whole lot tougher. Thabeet isn't half the prospect Oden was, and while he has shown the ability to improve, he just doesn't do it for me. At best, he is the next Samuel Dalembert. At worst, well...the Candy Man!

2) Jrue Holiday (who many experts believe the Knicks may take): AkA Drew. What have you done for me lately, Ja-Rue. The spelling of his name is almost as whack as his game. The guy's biggest strength is "defense," because he has long arms. Can't you find a guy with long arms and good agility in like, the D-League? His range is about 12-15 feet, and he barely played point guard last year for UCLA. He did not do much in a down year for the Pac-10. Umm...This guy is going in the top ten? Really? He was invisible every time I watched a (shitty) UCLA team play. This is not the reincarnation of Russel Westbrook--Holiday is a MAJOR project and is more likely the next DaJuan Wagner (out of the league) than Chris Paul. DraftExpress lists this guys BEST CASE as Rodney Stuckey and his worst case as Mario Chalmers. Does not sound like a lottery pick to me...

3) James Harden: aka The Hard-On I get it--he's athletic, versatile, and the ULTIMATE TEAM PLAYER. Drafting a team player in the lottery (top 5 especially) is like walking up to a bar, and instead of going for the group of hotties, you go for the group that reeks of mediocrity, knowing you have a solid chance at netting a decent ay babay. With Harden, you have a solid chance of netting an average NBA player. That doesn't sound good enough to me for a lottery pick. You're going to draft a guy in the top 3 who is known for deferring to other teammates, had an abysmal NCAA tournament, has an ehhhh jump shot, and is only 6'5" (with shoes on). I like the guy and think he can stay in the league, but I do not see him becoming "the next Brandon Roy" or ever making an All Star team. However, he's going to be a great in Cialis commercials.

*I also would not draft anyone that Doug Gottlieb loves*

Akon is more of an OG than any of these fools will ever be:



(look at that man move!)

General Thoughts

1. I saw David Guetta the other night here in Barcelona and he did not disappoint. It was a sick venue and he definitely has some certified jams up his sleeve. There must have been at least 350 people in this club and it was clear that everyone was feeling what Guetta was laying down.


I'm hesitant, though, to say 'laying down' because if I'm not mistaken, he basically just parked his ass up there and played music he's already composed. Quite frankly (another expression I'm hesitant to use because it's associated with former ESPN analyst Steven A. Smith—that unnecessary middle initial stands for Ass-wipe in case you were wondering), that's fine with me because he has some ill songs under his belt, but I guess I would've liked to see some more improvisation. Whatever, it was sick. Here's a couple Guetta remixes that never get old:


Once the event ended everyone made their way right outside to the beach, which is just another amazing aspect of this city, along with the freedom to light up a j on said beach like it's legal.

2. The hookers here are brazen as hell. My friends and I were at an ATM and this ‘tute who looked like she had just stepped off a pirate ship came up and kept grabbing our arms. Not only am I not going to give you the D because I'm never going to stoop to that level, but if you're going to heckle us I might have to dump a beverage on your head.

After I told her to get away she informed me she'd "fuck me real good," as if that's going to convince me to pay her for AIDS. How about I give you my dick cheese and then you just keep trolling the street as before? Anyway, I'm not going to sit on here and rant about Spanish hookers but it's one minute annoying aspect of life here (the only one I've noticed at all). Here are two tracks about hookers from Weezy F:



3. On a more positive note, the street performers are dope. They are these really weird people that dress up in ridiculous costumes and pretend to be statues until you give them some change. Once you do, they make these really unique sounds with their mouths and move like robots. Real wizard.

Homeless people should try this stuff because it's definitely something you could pick up with practice and would earn you a ton more money. I feel like it would also be more enjoyable (this all assuming you are able) than simply withering away in the gutter with your hand out. We also saw a performer do a flip over 3 standing people. Yes, that just happened and it was nuts.


4. A brief warning. Don't ever read the novel Who Walk in Darkness by Chandler Brossard, which I picked up solely because of its supremely badass title and its documentation of the birth of the Hippie movement. It's actually piece of garbage that I’m considering just leaving in my hotel room or maybe giving to a homeless person, despite the fact it apparently received serious popularity in France. Just thought I'd spread the word so no one is subjected to this rubbish.

Strahan Flies High, No Lie

It's good to be Michael Strahan. He's marrying Axel Foley's ex-wife, who is a certified MILF. He forcefully took down the record for most sacks in a single season. He has a phD in orthodontics. He went out on top, winning a ring with the G-Men. He's frequently consulted by the military for his expert advice on how to GPS a sucka. He's also got this sweet show coming out in the fall that will showcase the GAP on prime time. It promises to give Mad Men a run for its money for Best TV Show:

Bidet vs. T.P.

As Americans in a foreign country, we are commonly introduced to new things. This week, I would like to propose a bisque (scintillating conversation for anyone who has been living under a rock…) about the French invention that’s caught on like wildfire across Europe, that is the bidet. To the untrained eye or the hardcore Francophobe, the bidet is that plumbing apparatus located adjacent to the toilet in many European bathrooms, not to be confused with water fountains. Perhaps a better name might be the anus tickler, buttbubbler, poop-purger, or colon cleanser. Regardless, the main function of this strange alien device is to facilitate the cleaning of the butthole post-poopdom. Firstly, I have a few quick questions about general etiquette in regard to usage of the bidet. If one is planning on using the bidet to clean off the crust/butt jam, is he/she still expected to wipe with regular T.P.? Also, after using the bidet, how is one supposed to dry off? So far I’ve just been using local hand and face towels… Now, as for other questions, and the main topic of debate I wanted to bring up, is it gay to use a bidet? Seriously, I don’t know if it’s my own insecurities or my overall level of immaturity–but in my opinion there’s something kind of gay about tickling your butthole with lukewarm water to get it clean. Wiping just seems way more American, way more manly, a liberty I would never want to jeopardize. Consider this question and feel free to write in with both comments and suggestions.

Luckily, the bidet has more than one use. Obviously, from the above photo, some jabroni thought it would be brotastic to fill a bidet with ice and beer and take a picture. Cheers to that asshole. Also, as someone else recalled, Crocodile Dundee washed his boots in one. So as we can see, the bidet is a multiuse appliance, but is it worth the space? That’s for you to decide.

GirlWhisper

All of you have heard Girl Talk and yes, his music is good. Quite frankly, however, he was simply the first person to think of mashing songs together. He was good at it but now that other people are out there doing it, things are heating up. I recently found this guy named E-603. While Girl Talk's albums were nonstop uptempo, E-603 allows the music to slow down. Instead of being overwhelmed, E-603 gets the listener groovin', slows it down giving you a chance to catch your breath, and then blows you away into oblivion. Yes, this guy looks like a grade A Richard Tugger but come on, he's getting rained on by PBRs. He's gotta be the man. His new album Torn Up just came out today. You can download it here for free:

Torn Up - E-603

Here are a couple tracks if you want to sample a couple songs before getting the whole album. Check it:

"Lights Out" - E-603

"If You Wanna" - E-603

"Hey Shorty" - E-603

Ride, Sally, Ride!

After a week-long fiesta in the middle of Tennessee, I'm back to report on Phish and the Bonnaroo festival. I saw Phish at the University of Tennesee (awesome place for a show with so much energy was pumping through the arena) and then made the trek to Manchester, TN for four days of funky grooves and lawlessness. The whole trip was amazing with so many highs (pun intended) that it seemed like it would be impossible to pick out a favorite moment. Once Trey started storytelling on Sunday night, however, and The Boss graced the "What Stage", there was no question about what the highlight would be. Here's a video of Phish and Bruce covering Mack Rice's (made famous by Wilson Pickett) song "Mustang Sally." Even if you don't like Phish, definitely check it out as there are some awesome parts. Some highlights of the song include: 1) Bruce singing like a little girl, showing off his enthusiasm at 2:50 2) Trey and Bruce facing off in a riff-war (I didn't even think Bruce could solo)at 5:25 3) Bruce yelling "come on mr. keyboard player" to Page McConnell at 6:50. I thought it was hilarious that he didn't even know his name (Page killed it by the way). Overall, there was no better way to end the weekend than Phish and Bruce on the same stage. "Glory Days" killed too; Trey ripped the song apart. Here's "Mustang Sally":



Other highlights of the festival included Grace Potter coming out to sing "Southern Man" with Gov't Mule, seeing David Byrne's weird dancers, MGMT, and Santigold. Here's a real chill remix of Santigold's song "Lights Out." Not sure if the other songs are good:

"Lights Out (Tepr Emo Remix)" - Santigold

Moving away from Bonnaroo and onto some other good music, here's a new Van She song off their new album Ze Vemixes. You guys probably remember them from the fall, and if you do, you know that they're ill. The song's called "Sexual City":

"Sexual City" - Van She

Finally, here's a band I just discovered called Noisettes. Track is called "Never Forget You." They sounds a little like Amy Winehouse and I'm really feeling it:

"Never Forget You" - Noisettes

I Miss Slim Shady

I don’t know about you, but I’m a little disappointed with Eminem’s new album. And I know it’s sort of late to comment on it, but I really need to get it off my chest. I don’t think there's much of the Eminem of old rapping on there. It’s Eminem sure, but there's less Slim Shady on it than I would've liked. And when I refer to Slim Shady I’m talking about the venom-hawking, twisted psycho that spit fire on the the Slim Shady and Marshall Mathers LPs, two of my favorite rap albums of all time. If they aren’t on your list, you should go take a good listen.

Anyway, I don’t think ‘Relapse’ is that great, at least for a rapper of Eminem’s caliber. It's pretty good though and I won’t write it off as a bad album for the fact that very few people can rap the unique way he does on a lot of the songs. But honestly, what the fuck is with that accent on some songs? Is that supposed to be funny? Because it sounds retarded and distracts from the lyrics. The lyrical content of the album is definitely solid, but some songs are just plain annoying like ‘We Made You,’ which all these knaves on youtube are championing because they giggle when he jabs celebrities. It’s not that good. He doesn’t get after it on that song like he used to. One man's two cents anyway.

Here are some older Eminem songs that aren’t on any of his major studio albums and aren't good overall songs (one is just a freestyle on the radio) but that I think suffice to showcase his rapping skills at least.


http://www.box.net/shared/9jzck9lj2r


p.s. Everyone should visit Barcelona at some point in their life. Seriously. This city is amazing. And also, on a side note, Weezy needs to stop producing rock songs as soon as possible. I wanna puke every time I hear one of those. I'll hopefully be seeing him July 9th in Amsterdam and I'm praying he leaves his guitar at home.

chiddy BANG at Beta Beach

aight, so the main act at Beta Beach 2009 looks like its gonna be Chiddy Bang.

they have everything working for them, building off beats of popular songs and adding their own flow.

here's a few songs to whet your appetite:

Day and Night
right click save as

Truth ft. Passion pit (real hot)

Fresh Like Us

Sooner or Later
right click save as

Kids
right click save as

Because
right click save as

Check them out: http://www.myspace.com/chiddybangphilly