Health Warning

While I don't like to rant about shit, these goddamn "health" drinks have taken it too far. They started off slow, but they have managed to take advantage of the all-of-a-sudden ridiculously health-conscious American populace, maybe even the world, and they are infringing on the greats. I'm talking about those stupid fruity drinks that pretend to be all healthy so people go bananas over them up even though they taste like ass.

First off, these drinks aren't even that healthy. Odwalla (cool name!) ran into serious problems when health officials determined that a 1996 E.Coli outbreak resulted from Odwalla's decision not to pasteurize their juices. Along those lines, a different pathogen that is known to severely affect pregnant women was discovered in an Odwalla plant in 1995. Vitamin water--which everyone goes gaga over nowadays even though Glacéau literally took Gatorade bottles, dumped out half, and then filled the rest up with tap water--is one of the worst things around for your teeth. You might as well just dump sugar in your mouth before you go to bed every night.

But see, the companies employ marketing strategies that people somehow fall for. They give the drinks pompous, unpronouncacble names so that people think they are made from some obscure super-healthy fruit, made in Europe, are fun to drink, or they just buy them because it looks healthy and the name disorients their brain (i.e. Glacéau, Odwalla, Fuze, Nakéd, Jamba Juice, etc.).

Or, in a similar move, they simply stick the word "smart" or some healthy word like "vitamin" or "mineral" onto it (i.e. Smartwater, Vitaminwater, Soy Smart, Fruitwater, P<3m) so that soccer moms and yoga instructors everywhere will think "Oh! Well that sounds like a perfect juicie for before my morning workout!" Fuze made a drink called Slenderize so naive fat people would buy tons of it and put on even more weight. Glaceau even had the audacity to stick "smart" on the front of a product, outright copying the move made over 10 years earlier by one of the best snack foods known to man. It's fucking cheese flavored popcorn!


The worst part is that these drinks are taking over. Don't think so? Which drink did you see all over the sidelines at March Madness games last spring? Vitaminwater. Not Gatorade, or Powerade, or anything like that, it was Vitaminwater. I went into a gas station today to buy a Gatorade for work and had to search high and low for it because I was blinded by a fucking huge Vitaminwater display that was set up like the drinks were artifacts or something. I swear managers see how many colors they can collect and cram into their shop, like the asswipe pictured above who collected so many he thought he'd take a walk on the wild side to turn it into a car. What a doucher. From the looks of it, that store can really only be in Alabama, Louisiana, or maybe New Jersey.

Sleepyhead

In recent years, I've had trouble falling asleep when I'm sober, and many of my colleagues and peers have intimated that they too have experienced this unfortunate phenomenon in their own lives . Frankly, I think that for many of us continually going to bed--whether that be on an actual mattress or somewhere else like the floor--drunk and high has rendered it difficult to fall asleep when sober. I don't know--maybe I'm stressed out, maybe that latex paint at work is getting to my head, maybe it's the soft mattress, midnight rape, or nude gay art show that took place in my room last night, but either way, I have my theory and I'm sticking to it. As such, I'm going to recommend some stuff that I think does the trick. Consider it a public service. Here goes, in no particular order:

1. Watch an episode of Bob Ross: The Joy of Painting. If you didn't watch the Joy of Painting growing up, you are a) in a minority and b) missed out on a special part of life. Though he's pretty fucking creepy and sports what looks like a giant collection of pubic hairs on his head, you have to love his show and it will for damn sure make you nod off. His DVDs are about $20 on eBay and feature such paintings as 'Reflections of Calm,' 'Before the Snowfall,' and 'Tranquility Cove.' Those titles alone are enough to make one pass out. Given the price, I would probably recommend this to someone who has serious problems falling asleep at night. R.I.P Bob Ross. Here's an excellent parody of the Joy of Painting to tide you over:



2. Find that friend of yours that is downright awful at telling stories and pick his brain for a while. You know you have that friend, everybody does, it's no big deal. They are an amazing friend, have things in common with you, etc., but they just flat out suck at telling stories. The subject matter might not even be that bad, but the delivery is off and you feel like finding a pillow and blanket halfway through.

3. Read anything by Jane Austen. Reading Jane Austen is just like eating cucumber sandwiches: high-class, pompous people go gaga over it; you know exactly what you're getting; and it's boring as hell. Go read the first line of the definition of a "traditional" cucumber sandwich on Wikipedia (as if hundreds of varieties have been invented since) and tell me some rich, pompous French dude didn't write that. I'll even include the link for you. Do it. Don't get me wrong, Jane Austen is a seriously talented writer, probably one of the best ever in terms of literary skill. But honestly, reading her books is one of the most boring activities (is that even an appropriate word?) I've ever come across in my life, right up there with staring at a wall, watching people play FIFA, or maybe sleeping itself. Peruse one of these babies and before you know it those riveting tales of early 19th century virgins and their love lives and miserable chores and dainty dinner parties and handkerchiefs and...you get the point.

4. Listen to classical music. I love classical music. There's no better time to listen to it then when you're going to bed or doing schoolwork. Here's an album I got this past winter off Drake's blog that I really like listening to as I hit the hay:

Gonzalez - Solo Piano

5. Watch a kickball game. And by kickball I mean that sport that everyone in the US loves all of a sudden because of this huge effort to become more European. Yeah, Europe's fucking awesome, soccer jerseys are cool, and the MLB sucks now, but that doesn't mean we have to go abandoning the great games our forefathers laid down for us. Stop pretending to love soccer so much, wearing European clothing, stuffing yourself with brie and pinot grigio, and go toss the pigskin around out in the backyard; it'll do you good. Shotgun a beer and grill a steak while you're at it.

6. Smoke weed.

Well those are just a few of the advantages one has at his or her disposable when it's time to get some shut-eye. If I think of any more dandies, I'll make another post, but this is it for now. Maybe you even fell asleep reading this.


p.s. Cucumber sandwiches reminded me of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest (they frequently eat them in the play), which is one of the most hilarious plays I've ever read. It's a great work and I highly suggest picking it up.

Please feel free to leave any techniques you use in the comments section as I'm constantly looking for new ways to fall asleep. Have a great weekend. Peace!