Fuck tha Police!

I don't know how many people avidly read their town police log but I always have because my town's blotter is consistently chock-full of ridiculous entries. About a year ago a terrified woman called the cops to state she had just seen God sprinting through her backyard. The most ridiculous aspect of this story is I guarantee you that instead of consoling this obviously insane and probably elderly lady, my local police were most likely out there in the woods clutching flashlights and rosary beads and calling for God like he'd built a lean-to or something.

The Clash - Police & Thieves
Radiohead - Karma Police
Radiohead - Karma Police (Live)
The Police - So Lonely

Anyway, I was reading the police log a while ago and came across an item that is utterly outrageous. You may not care about my town's police escapades, but you should read this from a legal standpoint as a law abiding citizen or potential fowl hassler in the USA. Here is the entry verbatim:

"Thursday, July 9, 3:32 p.m.: a Nagog Square caller reported four youths chasing geese in the parking lot. Police spoke to the fowl hassling youths."

Let me first say that for anyone who's been living under a rock, "fowl hassling" is a new activity that's just been running rampant up here in the northeastern United States. You can also probably accurately imagine the kind of people that live in the part of my town called Nagog Square. They were probably making crafts out of twigs and sap and shit like that when they spotted said fowl hasslers. Anyway, I have several qualms with this particular story.

1. These kids were most likely in the middle of a workout. Anyone who's anyone knows that chicken chasing was an integral part of Rocky Balboa's training regimen when he came back to beat Apollo Creed in Rocky 2. Who could forget Stallone's kneeslapper: "I feel like a Kentucky Fried idiot?" But now Johnny Long Legs, Billy Elliot, and the Hardy boys won't make the high school basketball team and score all the chicks because Officer Choda decided their futures were less promising than those of the geese.


2. That brings me to my next point: the victims were Geese. I could see the fuzz maybe going in if the kids were throwing rocks at doves or something, but it was fucking geese. In terms of things I'd look out for the well-being of, Geese are just above Pigeons which are just above dirt, possibly below. Geese do three things: walk around, shit, and honk--the sum of which equals shit everywhere, reminiscence of Skeeter from Doug and an incredibly annoying sound. My Grandpa used to take me golfing and we'd chase after them in the carts. By the looks of things you'd probably end up in jail if you pulled that shit nowadays.

"Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?"


3. Said offense took place in a parking lot, not the road or any other dangerous place, and taxpayer money is being used to fund the disbandment of local fowl hasslers, who are doing a service to the community if anything.

4. A group of Geese is aptly called a gaggle. Larks are an ascension (or exaltation), lions are a pride, owls are a parliament, etc. These are worthy names. No one should ever intrude (safety reasons aside), on an exaltation, pride, or parliament. On the other hand, a gaggle sounds like some weird sex toy or a sound someone utters right before kicking the bucket.

An alternate gaggle:

5. Times are tough. The kids might have been chasing the geese in hopes of getting some food for later. Hell some dude in the same blotter got arrested for dumpster diving. I'm not really sure what that means.

Here's some music because writing this article without some free music at the end is like knitting someone a stocking for Christmas and then putting nothing in it. As N.W.A. put it, Fuck Tha Police.

N.W.A. - Straight Outta Compton (Album)