NBA Draft Right Na Na Na

The NBA Draft (not quite as exciting as Dave Chapelle's racial draft) takes place this Thursday at Madison Square Garden. Every team hopes they will nab the next NBA superstar or snag the steal of the draft. Every team hopes they can avoid The Bust. Every Knicks fan knows that the player we take is either going to shoot himself in the leg or contract AIDs from a hooker within the next year. In what is being labeled as possibly the worst draft of all time, teams should follow one simple rule: take the best player available. Do not worry about how high someone's vertical is, how many illegitimate children they have, or what form they use on their jump shot. Go with your gut, and pick who your franchise feels is the best player available (like NFL teams almost always do). Do not pick someone just because they fit a positional need (see: Michael Olowakandi, Marvin Williams, etc.). In today's NBA, you want the most athletic and versatile player--not necessarily the biggest or strongest. You want someone who can create mismatches and can change the game. I read via my ESPN Insider an article about how Isiaah Thomas is, by the numbers, one of the best drafters ever. I'm not on Zeke's level, but I was so keen as to know that Oden over Durant was not the move. So without further ado, here are three guys that (all projected to go in the top 10), I sure as hell would not draft, pray the Knicks don't end up with, and have more bust potential than Asia Carrera:

1) Hasheem Thabeet: AkA Hasheem Tha-Weak-Sauce. Is he as good (or as big) as Emeka Okafor was in college? No. Does he have any post moves? No. Will he be able to block shots against Dwight Howard (note: not Luke Harangody)? No. He also has the same body type as the guy from the Air Up There. Will he be able to stay out of foul trouble? No. Does he have an eating disorder? Debatable. The guy is a skinny little biatch who blocks shots against undersized white dudes. Think he's going to be able to stop nasty mofos like Ron Artest? NAA. Look at all the trouble Greg Oden has had making the adjustment to the league, playing against guys close to his size and a whole lot tougher. Thabeet isn't half the prospect Oden was, and while he has shown the ability to improve, he just doesn't do it for me. At best, he is the next Samuel Dalembert. At worst, well...the Candy Man!

2) Jrue Holiday (who many experts believe the Knicks may take): AkA Drew. What have you done for me lately, Ja-Rue. The spelling of his name is almost as whack as his game. The guy's biggest strength is "defense," because he has long arms. Can't you find a guy with long arms and good agility in like, the D-League? His range is about 12-15 feet, and he barely played point guard last year for UCLA. He did not do much in a down year for the Pac-10. Umm...This guy is going in the top ten? Really? He was invisible every time I watched a (shitty) UCLA team play. This is not the reincarnation of Russel Westbrook--Holiday is a MAJOR project and is more likely the next DaJuan Wagner (out of the league) than Chris Paul. DraftExpress lists this guys BEST CASE as Rodney Stuckey and his worst case as Mario Chalmers. Does not sound like a lottery pick to me...

3) James Harden: aka The Hard-On I get it--he's athletic, versatile, and the ULTIMATE TEAM PLAYER. Drafting a team player in the lottery (top 5 especially) is like walking up to a bar, and instead of going for the group of hotties, you go for the group that reeks of mediocrity, knowing you have a solid chance at netting a decent ay babay. With Harden, you have a solid chance of netting an average NBA player. That doesn't sound good enough to me for a lottery pick. You're going to draft a guy in the top 3 who is known for deferring to other teammates, had an abysmal NCAA tournament, has an ehhhh jump shot, and is only 6'5" (with shoes on). I like the guy and think he can stay in the league, but I do not see him becoming "the next Brandon Roy" or ever making an All Star team. However, he's going to be a great in Cialis commercials.

*I also would not draft anyone that Doug Gottlieb loves*

Akon is more of an OG than any of these fools will ever be:



(look at that man move!)

General Thoughts

1. I saw David Guetta the other night here in Barcelona and he did not disappoint. It was a sick venue and he definitely has some certified jams up his sleeve. There must have been at least 350 people in this club and it was clear that everyone was feeling what Guetta was laying down.


I'm hesitant, though, to say 'laying down' because if I'm not mistaken, he basically just parked his ass up there and played music he's already composed. Quite frankly (another expression I'm hesitant to use because it's associated with former ESPN analyst Steven A. Smith—that unnecessary middle initial stands for Ass-wipe in case you were wondering), that's fine with me because he has some ill songs under his belt, but I guess I would've liked to see some more improvisation. Whatever, it was sick. Here's a couple Guetta remixes that never get old:


Once the event ended everyone made their way right outside to the beach, which is just another amazing aspect of this city, along with the freedom to light up a j on said beach like it's legal.

2. The hookers here are brazen as hell. My friends and I were at an ATM and this ‘tute who looked like she had just stepped off a pirate ship came up and kept grabbing our arms. Not only am I not going to give you the D because I'm never going to stoop to that level, but if you're going to heckle us I might have to dump a beverage on your head.

After I told her to get away she informed me she'd "fuck me real good," as if that's going to convince me to pay her for AIDS. How about I give you my dick cheese and then you just keep trolling the street as before? Anyway, I'm not going to sit on here and rant about Spanish hookers but it's one minute annoying aspect of life here (the only one I've noticed at all). Here are two tracks about hookers from Weezy F:



3. On a more positive note, the street performers are dope. They are these really weird people that dress up in ridiculous costumes and pretend to be statues until you give them some change. Once you do, they make these really unique sounds with their mouths and move like robots. Real wizard.

Homeless people should try this stuff because it's definitely something you could pick up with practice and would earn you a ton more money. I feel like it would also be more enjoyable (this all assuming you are able) than simply withering away in the gutter with your hand out. We also saw a performer do a flip over 3 standing people. Yes, that just happened and it was nuts.


4. A brief warning. Don't ever read the novel Who Walk in Darkness by Chandler Brossard, which I picked up solely because of its supremely badass title and its documentation of the birth of the Hippie movement. It's actually piece of garbage that I’m considering just leaving in my hotel room or maybe giving to a homeless person, despite the fact it apparently received serious popularity in France. Just thought I'd spread the word so no one is subjected to this rubbish.

Strahan Flies High, No Lie

It's good to be Michael Strahan. He's marrying Axel Foley's ex-wife, who is a certified MILF. He forcefully took down the record for most sacks in a single season. He has a phD in orthodontics. He went out on top, winning a ring with the G-Men. He's frequently consulted by the military for his expert advice on how to GPS a sucka. He's also got this sweet show coming out in the fall that will showcase the GAP on prime time. It promises to give Mad Men a run for its money for Best TV Show:

Bidet vs. T.P.

As Americans in a foreign country, we are commonly introduced to new things. This week, I would like to propose a bisque (scintillating conversation for anyone who has been living under a rock…) about the French invention that’s caught on like wildfire across Europe, that is the bidet. To the untrained eye or the hardcore Francophobe, the bidet is that plumbing apparatus located adjacent to the toilet in many European bathrooms, not to be confused with water fountains. Perhaps a better name might be the anus tickler, buttbubbler, poop-purger, or colon cleanser. Regardless, the main function of this strange alien device is to facilitate the cleaning of the butthole post-poopdom. Firstly, I have a few quick questions about general etiquette in regard to usage of the bidet. If one is planning on using the bidet to clean off the crust/butt jam, is he/she still expected to wipe with regular T.P.? Also, after using the bidet, how is one supposed to dry off? So far I’ve just been using local hand and face towels… Now, as for other questions, and the main topic of debate I wanted to bring up, is it gay to use a bidet? Seriously, I don’t know if it’s my own insecurities or my overall level of immaturity–but in my opinion there’s something kind of gay about tickling your butthole with lukewarm water to get it clean. Wiping just seems way more American, way more manly, a liberty I would never want to jeopardize. Consider this question and feel free to write in with both comments and suggestions.

Luckily, the bidet has more than one use. Obviously, from the above photo, some jabroni thought it would be brotastic to fill a bidet with ice and beer and take a picture. Cheers to that asshole. Also, as someone else recalled, Crocodile Dundee washed his boots in one. So as we can see, the bidet is a multiuse appliance, but is it worth the space? That’s for you to decide.

GirlWhisper

All of you have heard Girl Talk and yes, his music is good. Quite frankly, however, he was simply the first person to think of mashing songs together. He was good at it but now that other people are out there doing it, things are heating up. I recently found this guy named E-603. While Girl Talk's albums were nonstop uptempo, E-603 allows the music to slow down. Instead of being overwhelmed, E-603 gets the listener groovin', slows it down giving you a chance to catch your breath, and then blows you away into oblivion. Yes, this guy looks like a grade A Richard Tugger but come on, he's getting rained on by PBRs. He's gotta be the man. His new album Torn Up just came out today. You can download it here for free:

Torn Up - E-603

Here are a couple tracks if you want to sample a couple songs before getting the whole album. Check it:

"Lights Out" - E-603

"If You Wanna" - E-603

"Hey Shorty" - E-603

Ride, Sally, Ride!

After a week-long fiesta in the middle of Tennessee, I'm back to report on Phish and the Bonnaroo festival. I saw Phish at the University of Tennesee (awesome place for a show with so much energy was pumping through the arena) and then made the trek to Manchester, TN for four days of funky grooves and lawlessness. The whole trip was amazing with so many highs (pun intended) that it seemed like it would be impossible to pick out a favorite moment. Once Trey started storytelling on Sunday night, however, and The Boss graced the "What Stage", there was no question about what the highlight would be. Here's a video of Phish and Bruce covering Mack Rice's (made famous by Wilson Pickett) song "Mustang Sally." Even if you don't like Phish, definitely check it out as there are some awesome parts. Some highlights of the song include: 1) Bruce singing like a little girl, showing off his enthusiasm at 2:50 2) Trey and Bruce facing off in a riff-war (I didn't even think Bruce could solo)at 5:25 3) Bruce yelling "come on mr. keyboard player" to Page McConnell at 6:50. I thought it was hilarious that he didn't even know his name (Page killed it by the way). Overall, there was no better way to end the weekend than Phish and Bruce on the same stage. "Glory Days" killed too; Trey ripped the song apart. Here's "Mustang Sally":



Other highlights of the festival included Grace Potter coming out to sing "Southern Man" with Gov't Mule, seeing David Byrne's weird dancers, MGMT, and Santigold. Here's a real chill remix of Santigold's song "Lights Out." Not sure if the other songs are good:

"Lights Out (Tepr Emo Remix)" - Santigold

Moving away from Bonnaroo and onto some other good music, here's a new Van She song off their new album Ze Vemixes. You guys probably remember them from the fall, and if you do, you know that they're ill. The song's called "Sexual City":

"Sexual City" - Van She

Finally, here's a band I just discovered called Noisettes. Track is called "Never Forget You." They sounds a little like Amy Winehouse and I'm really feeling it:

"Never Forget You" - Noisettes

I Miss Slim Shady

I don’t know about you, but I’m a little disappointed with Eminem’s new album. And I know it’s sort of late to comment on it, but I really need to get it off my chest. I don’t think there's much of the Eminem of old rapping on there. It’s Eminem sure, but there's less Slim Shady on it than I would've liked. And when I refer to Slim Shady I’m talking about the venom-hawking, twisted psycho that spit fire on the the Slim Shady and Marshall Mathers LPs, two of my favorite rap albums of all time. If they aren’t on your list, you should go take a good listen.

Anyway, I don’t think ‘Relapse’ is that great, at least for a rapper of Eminem’s caliber. It's pretty good though and I won’t write it off as a bad album for the fact that very few people can rap the unique way he does on a lot of the songs. But honestly, what the fuck is with that accent on some songs? Is that supposed to be funny? Because it sounds retarded and distracts from the lyrics. The lyrical content of the album is definitely solid, but some songs are just plain annoying like ‘We Made You,’ which all these knaves on youtube are championing because they giggle when he jabs celebrities. It’s not that good. He doesn’t get after it on that song like he used to. One man's two cents anyway.

Here are some older Eminem songs that aren’t on any of his major studio albums and aren't good overall songs (one is just a freestyle on the radio) but that I think suffice to showcase his rapping skills at least.


http://www.box.net/shared/9jzck9lj2r


p.s. Everyone should visit Barcelona at some point in their life. Seriously. This city is amazing. And also, on a side note, Weezy needs to stop producing rock songs as soon as possible. I wanna puke every time I hear one of those. I'll hopefully be seeing him July 9th in Amsterdam and I'm praying he leaves his guitar at home.

chiddy BANG at Beta Beach

aight, so the main act at Beta Beach 2009 looks like its gonna be Chiddy Bang.

they have everything working for them, building off beats of popular songs and adding their own flow.

here's a few songs to whet your appetite:

Day and Night
right click save as

Truth ft. Passion pit (real hot)

Fresh Like Us

Sooner or Later
right click save as

Kids
right click save as

Because
right click save as

Check them out: http://www.myspace.com/chiddybangphilly

Josh WhackDaniels

The coach of the Denver Broncos is a flat out schmohawk. First, he jettisoned Jay Cutler, one of the top quarterbacks in the league with arguably the best arm since Brett Favre (pre-drama queen days) out of town. Now, star receiver and enemy of the state, Brandon Marshall, wants out, as he has refused to show up for mini camp and has requested a trade. Can you really blame Marhsall here? Yes, he may have an um, volatile past with women, but it's not like he shot himself or anything. The guy caught 100 passes the past two seasons and is clearly one of the elite receivers in the NFL. Rather than alienate all of his players, McDaniels, a 33 year old coach, should maybe try bonding with them a bit more. Just look at Phil Jackson, one of the more laissez-fair coaches of all time--and the one with the most championships. Being a hardass all of the time is simply the wrong path to take, especially if some of your players are older than you. Just because you may not like one of your players doesn't mean you need to get rid of him (a la Coughlin-Burress). Talent is talent, and you can't replace Pro Bowl QBs and Receivers in the fly. Clearly, while he may be a jackass, Marshall wants nothing to do with this new coach, who seems determined to drive this train into the ground. Now, McDaniels traded his "party animal QB" Cutler and is stuck with Kyle "The Bottle" Orton (pictured above). Hmmm. Smart move. Cutler may not party as hard as Orton or be as likable a guy, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to discern that Cutler is a far superior QB. McDaniels might be left with the lethal combination of Orton-Eddie Royal (along with nine running backs on the current roster that make you say uhhhh), with Brandon Stokely and Chad Jackson competing for the backup wide receiver. This season should remind you Broncos fan a lot of Elway-Smith. Slurp up that WhackDaniels.

At least you're not from Minnesota...These commercials are the only good thing to come out of that state:

Curb's Cameos

While Larry's film, Whatever Works, is coming to theatres near you this weekend, I've got my panties in an even bigger bunch, as Curb Your Enthusiasm's seventh season is set to premiere on September 20th (so says Jeff Garlin's twitter). As I mentioned earlier, every former main player in the Seinfeld series is set to appear this season. With that in mind, here are my top 5 Curb cameo moments:

5. Thor. Definitely one of the more unexpected appearances, but certainly one of the best. Love seeing Larry scared shitless:



"Hey Jabroni, open the window."

4.Hurley (fat dude from lost). Posted this as one of my best episodes. Anything involving LD buying buds is pure gold. Can't get enough of this one:



"Hydroponic? I'm not looking for a sound system my friend."

3. John McEnroe. A book with freaks in it. What more could you possibly ask for? Couldn't find the final scene, but this one's gold too:



"LOOK AT THAT FREAK!"

2. Kevin Farley. I'm considering him a celebrity because his last name his Farley. Along with this scene, he provides some classic Curb awkwardness throughout this episode:



"IT'S A RAT!"


1. Tim Meadows. Or is it Don Cheadle? The Ladies Man takes part in one of the best Curb scenes of all time, and continually clashes with the LD throughout the episode:



"WHATUP HAL?"

Honorable Mention: Shaq, Tia Carrere, Martin Short, Hugh Hefner, Steve Coogan