Mr. Wang Hung: The Barcelona Naked Man

Every now and then one comes across something particularly entertaining. In Barcelona, where topless tanning on the beach is the norm, this past month I’ve come across a lot of gems. I’ve seen tits of every shape, size and ethnicity. I’ve experienced what they call the good, the bad, and even the ugly. One day on the beach we saw a human fembot with orangutan nipples that must have been literally about an inch and a half long. Another day, I saw what must have been a 90 year old women whose boobs literally touched her belly button. Apart from the freak nipples and super saggy boobs, I’ve also seen some dimes. However, in terms of drawing the attention of the eye, nothing compares to what I saw last week.

While leaving the beach one day, walking on the path back to the subway, I passed something that I couldn’t help but gawk at—an old man walking around completely naked. Not only was this guy completely naked, but he was all inked up. The guy, who we’ll call Mr. Wang Hung for the all intensive purposes of this post, had a wide array of tatts, including a pair of navy blue underpants, an FC Barcelona shield and some other strange shit. Perhaps most shocking of all though, is that the guy, who I must again stress is an old man, is hung like a stallion. No wonder he walks around naked. He must be as proud as a lion, literally.

To my dismay, I didn’t happen to have my camera with me, and thus was unable to take a picture of this out of the ordinary sight. Luckily for me, last night on the way to dinner, I passed the man again on the street and was able to get a few shots. In light of this by-chance sighting, there are a few topics of discussion that I want to pose for this week.

First of all, is it really that strange that this man chooses to walk around naked? While you and I are constrained in our daily lives by the restrictions of undergarments and other clothing, he is out there enjoying himself commando style, dangling his willy around as free as the whispering wind—and believe me, this guy could do the meat-spin like a frickin’ helicopter if he wanted, his dick hangs low, it wobbles to and fro’ he can tie it in a knot, he can tie it in a bow… which brings me to my next point. This guy should be proud. For a white guy, he has one of the biggest willys that I’ve ever seen. Maybe he’s just putting himself out there, advertising, you know? Him walking around the city naked with that huge dong out has got to be way more effective than using a website like match.com, the only thing he’s missing is a tattoo of his phone number so that women can contact him.

Some people might argue that it’s not practical to walk around naked. They might ask something like, “where does he keep his belongings, like wallet and cell phone?” But believe me, this guy has got everything he needs. He has a watch to tell time, and shoes and socks so that his feet don’t get dirty, and a small black plastic bag for everything else he needs. Pockets? Who fucking needs them. This guys got it down to a fuckin' T. Also, I should note that there are no laws against nudity in Barcelona, what this man is doing is completely legal. In some ways, Mr. Wang Hung, the Barcelona Naked Man, has become part of the city, a living, breathing, walking monument, and a testament to the liberal atmosphere of Barcelona. Mr. Wang Hung, I salute you and the life you choose to live.

General Thoughts

1. I saw David Guetta the other night here in Barcelona and he did not disappoint. It was a sick venue and he definitely has some certified jams up his sleeve. There must have been at least 350 people in this club and it was clear that everyone was feeling what Guetta was laying down.


I'm hesitant, though, to say 'laying down' because if I'm not mistaken, he basically just parked his ass up there and played music he's already composed. Quite frankly (another expression I'm hesitant to use because it's associated with former ESPN analyst Steven A. Smith—that unnecessary middle initial stands for Ass-wipe in case you were wondering), that's fine with me because he has some ill songs under his belt, but I guess I would've liked to see some more improvisation. Whatever, it was sick. Here's a couple Guetta remixes that never get old:


Once the event ended everyone made their way right outside to the beach, which is just another amazing aspect of this city, along with the freedom to light up a j on said beach like it's legal.

2. The hookers here are brazen as hell. My friends and I were at an ATM and this ‘tute who looked like she had just stepped off a pirate ship came up and kept grabbing our arms. Not only am I not going to give you the D because I'm never going to stoop to that level, but if you're going to heckle us I might have to dump a beverage on your head.

After I told her to get away she informed me she'd "fuck me real good," as if that's going to convince me to pay her for AIDS. How about I give you my dick cheese and then you just keep trolling the street as before? Anyway, I'm not going to sit on here and rant about Spanish hookers but it's one minute annoying aspect of life here (the only one I've noticed at all). Here are two tracks about hookers from Weezy F:



3. On a more positive note, the street performers are dope. They are these really weird people that dress up in ridiculous costumes and pretend to be statues until you give them some change. Once you do, they make these really unique sounds with their mouths and move like robots. Real wizard.

Homeless people should try this stuff because it's definitely something you could pick up with practice and would earn you a ton more money. I feel like it would also be more enjoyable (this all assuming you are able) than simply withering away in the gutter with your hand out. We also saw a performer do a flip over 3 standing people. Yes, that just happened and it was nuts.


4. A brief warning. Don't ever read the novel Who Walk in Darkness by Chandler Brossard, which I picked up solely because of its supremely badass title and its documentation of the birth of the Hippie movement. It's actually piece of garbage that I’m considering just leaving in my hotel room or maybe giving to a homeless person, despite the fact it apparently received serious popularity in France. Just thought I'd spread the word so no one is subjected to this rubbish.